How my pain starts
I've gone through more than anyone ever thought.
Every day was full with laugh.
But everything starts when i was 5.
I am the last daughter of the most amazing guy.
But, i fail my first test.
And of course he disappointed.
Cause he gave me all his hope.
He start pushing me.
Harder and harder each year.
He compares me with my sister.
She was beautiful, smart and everything my dad so proud about.
I start being rude to my sisters.
And being mean to other kid.
I was so upset and can't even say a word.
I will never ever forget how he screams at me.
It hurts.
I cried all day.
And know something?
I still can feel the pain today.
I know i won't forget that.
In everyone eyes, i was a big mistakes.
The biggest mistakes they ever made.
I was 5 and i start to understand all these pain.
Trust me.
No one ever gone through this when they were 5.
So, i don't get those attentions at home.
And my sister hate me.
So, i was 6.
And i promise to myself.
If those people in my house can't love me.
I'm sure an outsider will love me.
So i become someone that not me.
I'm trying to be such a divas and trust me.
It works so well out there.
I use my beauty to take people attention.
So, it feels like i'm a big star that walk on a red carpet.
Haha, how fake i am.
At age 6.
And i was 7.
My result getting lower year by year.
I was never the best.
I was never the beautiful one.
And i can do nothing.
So i let it all out at school.
I love to scream to people and tell them what to do.
It start so well.
I was 8.
I hate everything.
My sister said i was rude.
Hell yeah i am.
I become a little monster at that age.
I learn how to fight back.
I learn how to protect myself.
And that what people never know about me.
I know how to fight.
You make me angry and i'll make sure you'll pay for that.
I was 9.
My sister slap me.
Ouch, i will never ever forget that.
I hate my sister.
And start from that day,
i promise to myself.
They have hurt me.
And one day, i'll make sure they pay for it.
I was 10.
Nothing great happen.
It was the most boring year ever.
I was 11.
He is my first love.
And he reject me -,-
Like seriously?
He choose a girl who is not pretty enough for him.
Like seriously?
I was shock :o
And upset of course.
I was 12.
I think i am big enough by that time.
I trust that i can do anything that i want.
I always make sure.
That whenever i'm in front of anyone,
I have to act like I am not like them.
I act different but cute and attractive.
And honestly,
yes i am weird.
I may be the most freak person on earth.
I cut myself.
Wow, i love the color of my blood.
I cut and cut my hand.
I wish to cut my wrist but i don't do that :')
Now, I am 13.
I've gone though almost everything.
It was great at first.
Yeayy, i'm in high school now !
But then high school problems.
Oh shit.
I almost win that when i was 12.
I thought everything will end.
But no its not.
It won't end.
And i was beg like oh lord, i need a faith.
I need a rope to hold on.
I can't fall that easy.
I know i am strong.
And everyone can see that.
I've cried.
I've watched.
I've tried everything.
And why does it never work?
Ya Allah, is this another test for me?
And if it that hard, it means i am strong to go through it.
You won't give a test that beyond someone strength.
Fuhh, it was hard.
If anyone ever be me.
Anyone that walk in my shoes might just jump off the building.
Me?
I let go everything with a tears.
It makes me feel better.
Well, i hope so.
But it give a big impact in my life.
Where i get angry quickly.
And i change quickly.
I don't trust people easily.
I become a choosy person.
And i become mean.
It ends here.
Maybe?
This is not the ending of my life but and ending for my story :)
Bye, Assalamualaikum.
Have a nice day peeps :*
Posted at 04:21 | 0 comments
Do You Know?
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Do you know how hurt it is to be me?
Do you know how much i tried?
And how much i'm scared of losing you?
As time goes by, everything changed.
I miss our happy crazy sweet moment.
That moment when we laugh.
That moment when you said something sweet to me.
That moment when everything was just fine.
I will never stop smiling.
But my heart?
My heart won't stop crying over this things.
It was the very first time for you to feel this pain.
YOUR FIRST TIME.
And me?
You can't even count how many times i've been hurt before.
And the scars that left in my heart.....
Naaa, forget that.
Do you know how much i tried not to hurt you?
Because i am your first girl.
And i know how hurt it is.
And i've fight.
And cried.
And, idk.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of this.
I'm tired feeling like i'm the one that fighting for us.
Am i that stupid?
To think this would last forever?
Why should we bother with love?
Let happiness find us.
Don't chase for happiness.
Cause something you chase might not last forever.
That's it.
I'm sick of all of these things.
I need a rest.
Bye ~
Posted at 18:34 | 0 comments
Honestly
Okay, sebenarnya dulu nak keep private pasal relay dgn dia ni.
But suddenly tahla mcm mana boleh kantoi.
Mula2 cering, cuak, takut semua tu ada.
But then, ingat nak be honest dgn mak sorang ja,
tapi mak bagitahu abah pulak =="
Abah pulak bagitahu kakak dgn abg -,-
Trust me, cuba lah bayangkan perasaan anna time tu.
Abah ckp he need to talk to me.
Me: Kenapa?
Abah: Betul ka?
Me: Betul apa?
Abah: Anna ada bf?
Me: Yes, and i'm sorry.
Abah: Is he handsome?
Me: Err, kinda. Chinese looking.
Abah: Is he just playing around or serious with you?
Me: I don't know.
Abah: I hope you kids not playing around with this thing. A heart is hard to fix. Don't do stupid things.
Me: Yes i know. I hope he's not fooling around with me. But i really do like him.
Abah: It's okay, go on as long as nothing hurt you i allowed.
Me: I know. Understand. Love you
Okay, masa tu mmng ingat abah nk soal siasat apa laa.
Jantung dah nak tercabut.
My voice is shaking.
Dah la tanya pasal benda mcm ni.
Jarang sangat dia nak jadi sporting.
Tapi Alhamdulillah abah bagi.
And today, dah 4 months and still counting.
Sporting huh?
Abah jarang sgt sporting.
But when he is, i took the chance to talk with him.
He's a busy guy.
But he have tried his best.
He work hard and he deserve what he had now.
My mom?
She is more like me?
Wait, i am more like her.
One difference, anna panas baran.
And my mom, dia lebih kepada happy go lucky.
She have gone through a lot of things.
Trust me, i know.
She understand me.
I never hide anything from her.
But i hate when the end of the day i drop my tears in front of her.
She's my everything.
Me?
Okay, anna panas baran.
Anyone yg anna layan baik tu should be grateful.
Because when i'm angry, i could punch you.
I'm serious.
I am annoying.
Easily got jealous.
Hyper.
Talkactive
I'm more to that kind of open minded person.
You can tell me anything that you want.
I'll listen and give you advice or compliments.
I'll listen cause i know what it feels like to be unheard and looking for attention.
That was so annoying and it's not a good attitude.
"A beautiful face will catch people attention.
But a beautiful attitude will catch people heart."
"So, what's the use of your beautiful face if you don't have a beautiful attitude too?"
Question that i always force myself to think of the answer.
A guy will choose you by your beautiful face.
But a gentlemen will choose you by your heart.
Everything matters.
In and out.
Who knows a kind heart is a heart that have suffer a lot.
A beautiful eyes have cried the most.
A beautiful mouth have an unspoken words.
That's all
Bye ~
Posted at 23:23 | 0 comments
Tomorrow ♥
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Yeaayyy !
Remember that date?
We were together since 24.4.2013.
It's been 4 months ya know?
Hahaha baru 4 bulan ajet mcm dah 4 tahun -,-
Anyway, thanks for everything ^^
Thanks for never giving up.
Thanks for trusting me.
Giving me faith.
Hearing my probs.
Being annoying with me.
Being mean to people sometimes.
Ignore what people say.
And trust that we could stay.
Hoping we could stay this way forever.
Hoping you'll always be by my side.
Being with you was the most amazing thing ever.
I'm glad i know you.
And i'll fight for us.
For this relationship.
And for everything ~
Posted at 21:43 | 0 comments
Lost
Idk what makes me feel so sad today.
Blurgghhh, feeling lifeless and unneeded.
Feeling useless and alone.
i'm not fine, never okay.
I just smile without letting my tears flow through my cheeks.
And guess what?
They believed :')
Whether it's about you, or those people.
Idk how to say.
Life is too complicated.
Sometimes it hurts, but i smile.
It kills me inside, but i laugh.
Listening to a song that relate to me, makes tears fall from my eyes.
Feeling pathetic.
So many people don't appreciate me.
For what I've done for them.
And lately, everything seems to fade away.
I wonder if you feel what i feel.
Then it reminds me.
You don't know what I've gone through.
So how would you understand?
I'm just wasting my time by telling you how hurt it is.
You won't understand.
But, thanks for listen.
At least you hear.
I wish you could understand me.
I wish you know everything about me.
I wish i could see your effort to make me stay.
I'm sorry my dear.
But I've tried too hard.
I've fought like a brave soldier.
And it force me to think outside the box.
Of what will happen next.
Enough of losing people that I love.
Now it's time to keep those people I love.
Enough of fake hopes.
Show me what I need to know.
Don't tell me lies that comfort me.
Tell me truth that open my eyes.
Don't act nice in front of me.
It you hate me, treat me like enemies.
It's better that way.
If you need me in your life.
I promise to be the most amazing girl to stay.
I don't need any scars no more.
Too much pain to hold.
I'll forget those who forget me.
It as simple as that.
Forever?
It's the nicest thing to be said by you.
Know something?
I'm not sure of our "forever" things.
Sorry,
But it depends on Allah.
I can't say we WILL be together forever.
But I'll say Insyaa Allah.
Don't hope too much my dear.
I love you but let Allah decide
Posted at 00:29 | 0 comments
All About Her :)
Like honestly,
we're friend since we're 10.
I love her,
she were my mom,
sister,
friend
and also a teacher.
I respect her like how much i respect my parents.
She was always there.
But now we were separate.
She go to MRSM
and leave me alone here :/
So,
when times get rough,
it's hard for me to do it all alone.
She knows how my condition just by looking into my eyes
and my voice sounds like.
Usually,
she hugs me when i cry :')
But now?
Hmm,
miss her so badly.
I won't love my bf more then i love her and Allah.
She knows my family,
me and me?
HAHAH
She knows what to do to make me happy.
And,
i'm kinda scared to her -,-
I won't make her angry.
HONESTLY.
I'll listen to her no matter what.
Too much pain to tell her.
Hmm,
I need her.
She's my panda
and NO ONE could touch her
or you'll die.
Break her heart and i kill you.
I'm serious.
When i love a friend,
i love them more than my boyfie.
Sorry, but you're not important and not my probs kan?
Haha, lewls.
Enough for today.
Assalamualaikum :)
Posted at 20:25 | 0 comments
Blabbler
I hate that, i hate those people and i hate everything !
Blurrgghhhh.
I talk to myself like a dumb person.
I said to myself,
"Why this happen?"
Why and why?!
But know something?
I can't think like a kid anymore.
Come on anna,
you're big enough to know what's wrong and what's right.
You're not stupid and everybody knows that.
You just,
too straight to the point.
Control yourself.
You can't do what you want.
Everyone told yaa already kan?
Jgn bawak perangai rumah dkt sekolah.
Kepala tu jgn keras sgt -,-
And bla bla bla...
I stop hoping for something i want when i was 10.
Grrr,
I don't get what i want and i give up.
No more hope for stupid thing -,-
I'm strong enough maaa :D
Always stay strong.
It's Allah test.
There always a solution.
Nothing is impossible to be done.
Who cares what people say?
Bukan dorang yg jamin future kita kan?
LOL.
Who cares.
Hidup dorang mmng takkan senang sbb dah buat mcm ni.
See la your future mcm mna kan -,-
Segala kejahatan pasti akan ada pembalasan tahu?
Weee, bye freaks :D
Assalamualaikum ~
Posted at 03:09 | 0 comments
