How my pain starts
I've gone through more than anyone ever thought.
Every day was full with laugh.
But everything starts when i was 5.
I am the last daughter of the most amazing guy.
But, i fail my first test.
And of course he disappointed.
Cause he gave me all his hope.
He start pushing me.
Harder and harder each year.
He compares me with my sister.
She was beautiful, smart and everything my dad so proud about.
I start being rude to my sisters.
And being mean to other kid.
I was so upset and can't even say a word.
I will never ever forget how he screams at me.
It hurts.
I cried all day.
And know something?
I still can feel the pain today.
I know i won't forget that.
In everyone eyes, i was a big mistakes.
The biggest mistakes they ever made.
I was 5 and i start to understand all these pain.
Trust me.
No one ever gone through this when they were 5.
So, i don't get those attentions at home.
And my sister hate me.
So, i was 6.
And i promise to myself.
If those people in my house can't love me.
I'm sure an outsider will love me.
So i become someone that not me.
I'm trying to be such a divas and trust me.
It works so well out there.
I use my beauty to take people attention.
So, it feels like i'm a big star that walk on a red carpet.
Haha, how fake i am.
At age 6.
And i was 7.
My result getting lower year by year.
I was never the best.
I was never the beautiful one.
And i can do nothing.
So i let it all out at school.
I love to scream to people and tell them what to do.
It start so well.
I was 8.
I hate everything.
My sister said i was rude.
Hell yeah i am.
I become a little monster at that age.
I learn how to fight back.
I learn how to protect myself.
And that what people never know about me.
I know how to fight.
You make me angry and i'll make sure you'll pay for that.
I was 9.
My sister slap me.
Ouch, i will never ever forget that.
I hate my sister.
And start from that day,
i promise to myself.
They have hurt me.
And one day, i'll make sure they pay for it.
I was 10.
Nothing great happen.
It was the most boring year ever.
I was 11.
He is my first love.
And he reject me -,-
Like seriously?
He choose a girl who is not pretty enough for him.
Like seriously?
I was shock :o
And upset of course.
I was 12.
I think i am big enough by that time.
I trust that i can do anything that i want.
I always make sure.
That whenever i'm in front of anyone,
I have to act like I am not like them.
I act different but cute and attractive.
And honestly,
yes i am weird.
I may be the most freak person on earth.
I cut myself.
Wow, i love the color of my blood.
I cut and cut my hand.
I wish to cut my wrist but i don't do that :')
Now, I am 13.
I've gone though almost everything.
It was great at first.
Yeayy, i'm in high school now !
But then high school problems.
Oh shit.
I almost win that when i was 12.
I thought everything will end.
But no its not.
It won't end.
And i was beg like oh lord, i need a faith.
I need a rope to hold on.
I can't fall that easy.
I know i am strong.
And everyone can see that.
I've cried.
I've watched.
I've tried everything.
And why does it never work?
Ya Allah, is this another test for me?
And if it that hard, it means i am strong to go through it.
You won't give a test that beyond someone strength.
Fuhh, it was hard.
If anyone ever be me.
Anyone that walk in my shoes might just jump off the building.
Me?
I let go everything with a tears.
It makes me feel better.
Well, i hope so.
But it give a big impact in my life.
Where i get angry quickly.
And i change quickly.
I don't trust people easily.
I become a choosy person.
And i become mean.
It ends here.
Maybe?
This is not the ending of my life but and ending for my story :)
Bye, Assalamualaikum.
Have a nice day peeps :*
Posted at 04:21 | 0 comments
